Musings

Moving Aboot in Cyberspace

2006-03-08T19:45:00.000-08:00

Okay, I've decided to change my online journaling to a new site:

Mommyfox GreatestJournal

Why the screen name Mommyfox? Because every possible variation of Julie Cox was taken, as was every corruption of Obi-Wan Kenobi that didn't include a number. It is one of the few things I miss about being single - it was easy to get a user name with a last name like Behrens.

Books Aplenty

2005-12-09T18:49:00.000-08:00

So I read a really good book lately - "Straight Man," by Richard Russo, best known for "Empire Falls," which won the Pulitzer. It was really a fascinating book, partly because I felt a deep empathy for the character. Poor Hank can't keep his mouth shut, even when that would be the healthy thing to do. I also have that affliction.

No, what really strikes a chord with me is Hank's deep lack of reverence for everything. It's like he looks at the world, and can't help but laugh. I frequently feel that way about the world, too. If I were a male English professor, I'd be a lot like Hank.

So read Straight Man. And while you're at it, read these others, too ...

The Perks of Being a Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky

The King of Elfland's Daughter by Lord Dunsany

Spiderwick by Holly Black, illustrated by the great Tony DiTerlizzi

It's Tired In Here

2005-12-09T18:37:00.000-08:00

Some random observations about being an old fart ... I'm disproportionately pleased with owning an Oreck vaccuum cleaner. I went to sleep at 9:00 the other night. Being sick no longer excuses me from responsibilities. (I actually had a split-second dream, before waking, that I was a child, sick in my parents' bed. Then I woke up to discover I was an adult, in my own bed, but still sick. I was disappointed.) Brandy and I regularly get down and compare serious notes as to the most effective household cleaners. Of course, I also have a husband, a dog, a mortgage and my cars are paid off. And you know the weirdest thing about getting to true, undeniable adulthood? It's really pretty rad.

My Cool Fish

2005-12-02T14:27:00.000-08:00

So I haven't written on here about my cool fish. Aquatics has been a fascinating hobby. One of these days I'm going to tackle saltwater again ... but that will be when I have several thousand dollars to blow and about a half-hour a day to spent fiddling with the tank. Heh, don't have either at the moment.

Until then, I have my oddball tank and my cichlid tank, both of which are really cool. In the oddball tank, I have a black ghostknife, which is a relative of the electric eel - they use a weak electrical organ to locate food, as they are blind. I also have a ropefish, which is related to the lungfish, and is quite comical. In that tank (55 gallons), I also have a huge albino plecostamus, three frying-size angelfish, a female betta and about eight albino cory cats.

Then there's the cichlid tanks. Cichlids are fascinating to me for several reasons. They're only found in particular lakes in Africa - specifically, Lake Tanganyika and Lake Malawi (there are a few other smaller lakes, but those are the main ones.) And then, get this, there are also cichlids in a few isolated areas in the Americas. Interesting, huh?

Cichlids are extremely aggressive; they'll kill just about anything else you put in the tank with them, with the exception of large catfish, whom they seem to ignore. But they get along fine with each other. They also need a higher pH than other fish, hence most people keep limestone in their tanks. They're very personable and intelligent (for fish), quickly learning to associate people with food so they'll swim excitedly to the front of the tank when you approach. Some, such as oscars, can be hand-fed. They also breed easily in aquariums, and are very protective parents.

They're almost as colorful as saltwater fish. For instance, I now have a yellow lab, a Marlieri, a Brichardi and an Auratus. I'm quite pleased with myself. Though what I'd really like is a zebra pleco, a tiretrack eel, a figure-eight pufferfish (which, believe it or not, is a freshwater fish), and a variety of other cichlids. Check out these beauties: Demasoni, a nice blue and black cichlid; Yellow Regal Cichlid, a variety of Peacock; and a Jewel Cichlid. Me wants ...

Exhausted

2005-12-02T14:16:00.000-08:00

This has been one hell of a week ...

Both the cars needed to be fixed. The baby's been cranky. And we're trying to MOVE, of all things. Now in theory, I actually like moving. I'm one of the only people on the face of the planet who likes that. I enjoy the feeling of change, the new opportunities to explore spaces, to recreate my life. I typically get wanderlust within a year or so ... this time I've managed to put off that feeling for three whole years, the longest I've lived anywhere since leaving my parents' home at 18 in 1997. And we're buying a place that I can see us living comfortably for a very long time. It's roomy, it's quiet, it's close to my brother's house (which means, in theory, maybe some company for me during the day), and it's just all-around a really neat place.

But first we have to get there. And while I've always enjoyed moving before, this time I have a tiny five-month-old baby who would prefer it if I played with him instead of work, thank you very much. As I look around, I realize just how much work there is to do. Ohhhh, just moving the fish tanks is going to be a full day's work. It's enough to make me want to downsize my tanks. Which isn't likely to happen, since I have really cool fish. (I'll write about them later.)

So I'm stressed about moving. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it happen. And I also wish the baby would sleep through the night. Or heck, just wake up ONCE a night. But now I'm getting up twice a night for about twenty minutes to nurse, and it's driving me mad. Damn it, he was doing so well there for awhile ...

But we will get through this, and it will be so very cool once it's over.

"Lost" Their Way

2005-11-20T07:31:00.000-08:00

So the dramatic tension of "Lost" is just about crap these days. And I think I know the reason. Too damn many characters, and most of them are dead weight. They need to lose a bunch of them before the show can go anywhere. We're spending too much time on people who don't mean much in the scheme of things. So I decided to put together the cast I would like to see on "Lost" ...

Locke - Without a doubt the best character on the show. Non-negotiable.
Sayid - Definite eyecandy, useful, angsty with reason. The most level-headed and reasonable character, more likely to act on facts than emotion, which is always useful. What the heck did he see in Shannon?
Charlie - I just like him, and he's a nice foil for several other characters, including Hurley, Locke and Claire.
Echo - Damn cool guy. I think they could get a lot of mileage from him.
Claire - Besides the fact that the baby will die without her, which is unacceptable, she and Charlie will be a neat romantic story if they can ever get over their shit. Meaning, if Claire will wise up to the fact that she's won the provider lottery with approval-needy Charlie. She's also one of the few female characters with any redeeming qualities.
Michael - He's quite average, thus making him one of the few truly sympathetic people. Walt goes with him as a ward, but I could definitely do with Walt being gone for quite some time.
Sun and Jin - Sun is the only female character who's got any depth, despite being about as stereotypical as any of the other females. Jin is just starting to blossom as a character.

People Who Can Get "Lost":
Jack - I've never liked this guy. Get rid of him.
Sawyer - Really annoying, despite having cute one-liners.
Ana-Lucia - A walking stereotype and a pain in the butt.
Kate - If she furrows her brow meaningfully one more time, I'm going to barf.
Whoever those other people are from the back of the plane.
Boone and Shannon - oh wait, they already died. Yippie-skippie.
Unfortunately, they're unlikely to kill off these folk. Maybe if they could just go on a long hike and disappear, and we'll catch up with them next season ...

Unsure:
Rose and Bernard - These two will either help each other become very interesting characters or their story will be over with as soon as they reunite. We'll have to see. They may have much more to say, or they might run out of steam just as they get started.
Hurley - While I really like this character, he seems to have lost his place in the scheme of things. He needs to be more than just comic relief to be worthwhile.

What it comes down to is that "Lost" needs to ratchet it back up. They need to quit with the artificial conventions like the Dharma Initiative, the flashbacks, the hatch, all that and get back to telling the story. They need to tell what the heck's going on as concisely as possible, kill a bunch of people, let us meet the Others and get back to the remaining dozen or fewer characters trying to survive a very dangerous situation.

No Power in the Verse can Stop Me

2005-11-18T12:36:00.000-08:00

Ever tried to stuff a cat into a cat carrier? How about a wet, cranky cat into a carrier? Now give the cat thumbs and a rudimentary understanding of how to use them. That's about what it's like to change the diaper of a five-month-old baby.

Mrrreeeoowwwwwwww!

Just a Moment of Fun

2005-09-26T16:08:00.000-07:00

OWED TO MY SPELL CHECKER

I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see

Eye ran this poem right threw it
Your sure leigh glad two no
Its very polished in its weigh
My chequer tolled me sew

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud
And wee mussed dew the best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

Author Unknown

Taken from Sugar Quill.

Back in the Saddle

2005-09-06T08:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, we're back from Lubbock. Boy we were in the car a lot yesterday.

The animal circus continues. I'm going today to pick up Spike from the vet (we boarded him there over the weekend so they could keep an eye on him while we were gone. And so we wouldn't have to ask my sweet and patient mother to wrestle with our ill-tempered cat, giving him a pill twice a day.

Luna is adjusting well. She's the sweet Spaniel mix we adopted about a week and a half ago. She's very smart and has gotten comfortable in the house pretty quickly. She hangs out on the couch most of the time, and is very well-mannered. She sleeps on the foot of our bed and manages to not wake us up. She's had a few accidents, but she's doing well on house-breaking. She just hasn't figured out how to tell us when she needs to go out. We're working on it.

Cameron will be three weeks old next week. He's doing so well - what a good baby he is! Sleeping through the night, and everything. He's getting so cute. We need to have professional pictures taken soon ...

Quiz Bill Sent Me ...

2005-09-06T08:14:00.000-07:00

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Julie
Birthday:	April 11, 1979
Birthplace:	Phoenixville, PN
Current Location:	Texas
Eye Color:	Blue
Hair Color:	Brownish
Height:	5'3"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right
Your Heritage:	White Germanic/British
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Barefoot
Your Weakness:	Sodas and other sugary things
Your Fears:	Cameron or Curtiss dying
Your Perfect Pizza:	Cheese, Pepperoni and Pineapple
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Finishing my mom's Christmas present
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	brb, baby's crying
Thoughts First Waking Up:	"Uuuuuugh, Theo shut up ... Cameron, go back to sleeeeeeep ... "
Your Best Physical Feature:	I've got great boobs at the moment, thanks to nursing.
Your Bedtime:	On the couch, generally, around 10:30.
Your Most Missed Memory:	I don't think I've lost any ...
Pepsi or Coke:	Wild Cherry Pepsi!
MacDonalds or Burger King:	McDonald's.
Single or Group Dates:	Either are fine.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	I don't have much of a preference.
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Depends on my mood.
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Cappuccino.
Do you Smoke:	Not anymore.
Do you Swear:	Yes, with gusto.
Do you Sing:	Only when alone, or putting the baby to bed.
Do you Shower Daily:	I certainly try.
Have you Been in Love:	Absolutely!
Do you want to go to College:	Done.
Do you want to get Married:	Also done.
Do you belive in yourself:	Until the kiddo's been crying for an hour straight.
Do you get Motion Sickness:	Yes.
Do you think you are Attractive:	Some of the time.
Are you a Health Freak:	Nope.
Do you get along with your Parents:	Very much.
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Yeah, as long as I'm indoors.
Do you play an Instrument:	Violin, badly.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	A little wine and a beer.
In the past month have you Smoked:	Nope.
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	No.
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Yes, my husband and I left Cameron with our folks and went out to sushi!
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Yes - it was crowded.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	No.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	Yup, see above.
In the past month have you been on Stage:	No! runs and hides
In the past month have you been Dumped:	Nope, still got 'im.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	No, though that's not a bad idea.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	No.
Ever been Drunk:	Yes ...
Ever been called a Tease:	I'm sure I have, but don't recall exactly.
Ever been Beaten up:	No.
Ever Shoplifted:	Yes ... hunkers
How do you want to Die:	Without any warning at all.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Me.
What country would you most like to Visit:	Scotland
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	brown
Favourite Hair Color:	blue
Short or Long Hair:	long
Height:	tall
Weight:	skinny
Best Clothing Style:	casual
Number of Drugs I have taken:	2
Number of CDs I own:	lots
Number of Piercings:	three
Number of Tattoos:	one
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	oh heavens, that's not fair...
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Chaos: Not Just a Theory Anymore!

2005-08-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

OH my Lord, I've had the most frantic morning. I was about to make a joke that Santa Anna felt like this, then I realized I'd have to explain the Battle of San Jacinto, and then most of the Texas Revolution, and amongst all the history the joke got lost and my audience fell asleep.

*poke* You still awake, there?

So, about my morning. I woke up and suddenly remembered I had a pediatrician's appointment in half an hour. So I threw myself together, changed and nursed the baby, let the dog out for a second (more about her later) and was still fifteen minutes late.

Cameron cried through most of his visit because he'd have much rather been asleep. Same here, I tried to assure him, but he didn't care. Then the doctor pissed him off by giving him an examination, and he hollered louder. Then a nurse came in and give him his vaccines. Three shots! Five vaccines! Poor kid, he's going to feel awful tonight! He's almost certain to run a fever. Then I realized I'd left my wallet and checkbook at home and I had to pinky swear to the clerk that I'd call when I got home and give her my debit card number for the co-pay. But the pediatrician's visit was the least of my worries, as it turns out.

When we got home, I let the dog out for a minute again, and when she was back in I sat down to nurse Cameron. As he were sitting there comfortably, I saw a white mouse skitter across the floor. Crap, I thought. I finished nursing, put Cameron in his swing, and went to check on the mice.

Sure enough, the cats had knocked a ten-gallon aquarium off a shelf that nearly touched the ceiling. It was shattered - glass and shavings were everywhere. About a dozen mice were loose in the house. I grumbled as I started catching mice, who thankfully are dumb as a box of hair and hadn't gone far.

Then I noticed there were some tiny stains where I didn't remember there being stains before. I bent down, and my heart plummeted - they were red. I found the cats in the nursery. Theo was fine. Spike, on the other hand, was sitting very tensely in the corner. There was cat vomit nearby. When I got too close, he stood up to move away from me, and I saw the gashes on his legs, and the bloodstains around him.

Panicking, I called the vet's office and told them I was coming in with a hurt cat. The baby began to cry. I pried the cat carrier out of the closet and spent a good ten minutes cramming an injured and pissed off cat into it.

At the vet's office, the nice vet informed me they'd have to sedate him to do the stitches, and could I come back that afternoon? Sure, I said weakly. Can I bring the dog for her shots too, just to make a clean run of it? Of course, they said. So I left Spike and went home.

There were bloodstains everywhere - all over the floor in the kitchen, dining room, living room, nursery and office. Bloodstains on the couch. On the chair. On the drapes. Vomit on the afghan rug. Fan-frickin-tastic. I took my Zoloft, took a shot of gin, and started cleaning up glass, pine shavings, blood and vomit.

Then I remembered the mice. Or more precisely, the dog and the remaining cat (who don't like each other yet) found them. Let me tell you, if there's anything more fun than getting a wounded cat into a cat carrier, it's trying to catch a hysterical white mouse while a dog and cat fight with you and each other to eat said mouse.

All this before I've even had a chance to have a cup of coffee.

But I've made it to noon now, and everyone's alive, so I'm calling it a win. I'm going back to bed - this day needs a do-over.

Dragon It Out

2005-08-25T11:31:00.000-07:00

You are a green dragon. You dwell in the forest and
you love peace. You don't often bother yourself
with human affairs but you love to help when
needed.

Which Dragon resides in your soul? (cool pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Doggy Dog Dog

2005-08-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm given to preoccupation. Some may say even obsessions. We all remember the Great Saltwater Fish Obsession that had me going from 2003 to 2005. (Actually owning a saltwater tank put a stopper of reason into that passion.) But now we're onto dogs.

I really want a dog. A big, floppy thing that throws itself down on the floor for tummy rubs and drools a lot. A sloppy companion for the cats. A friend and protector for Cameron. I can just see Curtiss and Cameron in the backyard, throwing a tennis ball for a big, black or yellow mutt.

There's a dog I'm particularly fond of at the shelter (but there always is.) She's a Rottweiler mix - very sweet. Her name's Bonnie. I'd really like to take her home - she's a sweetheart.

I feel bad for another dog who was there until a few days ago. He was an Anatolian Shepherd mix, and a wonderfully sweet and affectionate dog. He would curl up and get as much of his huge, lanky self into my lap as possible. His name was Stewie. But he was heartworm positive, which is about a $400 treatment. When I went by the shelter yesterday, I asked if he'd been adopted, as I didn't see him out on the floor. Brenda gave me a sympathetic look and shook her head.

Carla later told me not to ask where someone was at the shelter. If it was particularly happy story, or a dog who'd been there for awhile and everyone knew, they'd tell me about it. Otherwise, if a dog was missing, just assume that it had found a happy home. It made for a better experience volunteering to try not to think about that possible end for a dog you'd played with. It's like the white elephant in the room - no one wants to talk about it, and I don't blame them.

Of course, that's part of what makes volunteering at the shelter important to me. Stewie was happy when I stayed outside with him for fifteen minutes a week; even though he was dying from heartworms, I was able to make his last few days a little happier.

Baby Notes

2005-08-24T11:47:00.000-07:00

Parenting is the oddest business … If my college or high school self could see me now, they would be amazed. Who knew I’d find myself dancing around the living room, singing “Mr. Brightside” off-key to a delighted, bopping two-month-old baby? Parenthood is the world’s way of ridding you of coolness and making you into a total goof. Not that I needed any help in that department.

Cameron is doing well. He makes little noises now, and gets very excited when you sit and talk with him. We have nice, long conversations that aren’t nearly as one-sided as they used to be. His diapers have been getting less frequent as his digestive system matures, but they’re rather more explosive than they were. Today I was holding him when he really let one rip – he’d managed to poo straight up his back, all the way to his shoulders. Gravity-defying poos.

He looks so much like a Little Boy! He’s starting to lose that newborn look and is developing a more mature profile. His birthmark is fading, too. His right eye is still all goopy – the other day he accidentally stabbed himself in his eye with his finger, and man, what a howl! That was one angry kid.

A typical day is like this: We wake up at 6, nurse, and he goes back to sleep. Two or three hours later, he wakes up, and we nurse again. At that point I change his diaper, and his clothes if necessary, and we’re up for a few hours. This is a nice time of the day, because he’s alert and happy. I help him balance while he stands on his tiptoes, and he’ll practice stepping. He smiles, and makes this open-mouthed, wide-eyed expression of intense concentration.

Around eleven or noon, he goes down for a short nap, about 30 minutes to an hour. When he gets up, we nurse again, and play some more. If I need to go out, usually I’ll do so around this time. A couple of hours later he’s hungry, so we nurse again, and he’ll usually take a second, longer nap in the afternoon, sometimes as long as 3 hours. Around 6, he wakes up, and we nurse yet again. By then Curtiss is home, so Cameron and Daddy play while I fix dinner. We eat mess with the baby, and then he’ll have a final nurse around 9 and go to bed.

He likes ceiling fans and the fish tank. I still have to put eye drops in his eyes for his tear duct. He hates the car seat, but the Snugli isn’t so bad. I’ve almost given up using the stroller because he doesn’t want to stay in it. I end up carrying him anyway. He’s getting used to the swing; I think later this month he’ll really start to like it. He’s really enjoying the bouncy chair, and is starting to bat at the toys that hang above him. He’s very wriggly – earlier today I left him in the bouncy chair for a minute, and came back to find him almost totally out of the thing, sliding onto the floor. No more leaving him in a chair without being buckled in! He also likes laying on the floor on the quilt Meemaw made for him. He likes the colors, I think.

Well, I just wanted to record a few observations about the little tyke while I remember them. Because pretty soon, he’ll be a whole new person.

On Second Thought ...

2005-08-16T14:27:00.000-07:00

So, Curtiss and I have decided not to move for the time being. Part of that comes from the simple fact that we couldn't make up our minds as to whether or not it was really a good idea, and deciding to err on the side of not packing up all our shit. Part of it also comes from the fact that though we can afford a bigger house NOW, we don't want to be tied to a higher level of income. Curtiss may have to take a pay cut sometime in the next few years as he moves into the computer field, and I'd hate to turn around and find out that we'll be missing opportunities because we bought a bigger house - or worse, having to sell the bigger house and buy a smaller one, again.

However, we're considering remodelling our bathroom. I'd like to take out the outer wall and put in a bay window with a nice, big garden tub. I'd also like to open it up a bit, replace our old bathtub with a shower stall, put down new tile and do some redecorating. That little bathroom has always been a sore spot for me - it's possibly the least attractive room of the house. Even if we decide not to remodel (for instance, if we get some quotes back and find out what we want would cost $10,000), I'd like to redecorate in there and make it a more attractive room. The wallpaper has got to go.

We'll see how dream fits into reality ...

Mr. Sandman Moves In - And Speaking of Moving ...

2005-08-05T10:00:00.000-07:00

Ahhh ... blessed obsidian darkness, the sacred silence of sleeping children ... Cameron has slept really well this past week. Three nights in a row now, he's slept all through the night, from 11 to 6, then back down for another few hours after nursing at 6. Last night he even went down at 9, and now, at 9:30, is asleep again after a second nursing. He must be in the middle of a huge growth spurt.

This morning was really nice; after putting Cameron back down, I got out the griddle and made bacon, eggs, toast and coffee. (Not all on the griddle, of course, that would've been messy.) It felt nice to dote on my husband, who's had a hard week at work. Poor baby! But he says things should be better next week.

In other news, I found a house I really like. It’s just north of my older brother’s house, a grey brick 4-bedroom that clocks in at a cool 1700 square feet. It’s got an attic, a 2-car garage, a kitchen slightly larger than our current one, and a nice fireplace. It’s also got a splendid backyard, with three huge crepe myrtles and a big silver maple. I’ve been happily placing furniture in my mind’s eye since I saw the place – “ah, the fish tank would go there … yes, and the sewing machine would be nice in this corner … We should paint that middle bedroom a nice soft blue and maybe do some stencils, it could be Cameron’s room – dragonflies, maybe?” Of course, I may be getting carried away. (I’m never ahead of the game, but I’m always ahead of myself.) After all, our house isn’t even on the market at the moment. The pretty picture in my head pales a bit when I consider what we need to do to get the house really spiffy …

Put the closet doors and pantry door back on their hinges
Fix the carpet in the front entry closet
Clean up the flowerbeds
Steam clean the carpets
Touch up the paint in the dining room
Move the snakes and mice to Mom’s house
Move out a few pieces of cluttering furniture
Fix the master bathroom faucet that drains slowly
Finish the outside door’s molding

And the list goes on and on. There’s just a lot to do to make the place as attractive as possible. But on the bright side, the realtor on the other end tells me they can close on the new house within two weeks once this place is sold and closed. So there is hope.

I Operate on Props, So Come On, Clap ...

2005-07-08T17:19:00.000-07:00

I am so good. No, really I am. But in an accidental sort of way. Wait up, let me explain ...

As part of, ah, baby-related stuff, it had been suggested to me that it would be helpful if I could get into a simple, not-much-thought-required creative project that I could do during Me Time, in order to stay sane through the first part of Cameron's life. The idea being that I could unwind and feel like I was doing something for myself.

A fine idea, I said, and decided to fiddle with making quilt squares. I could easily put it aside for a minute to attend to the baby, it didn't require a lot of analytical thought, it was fun and rewarding. Tah-dah! Then ... disaster struck. I was a little (as in, 6" square) short of one pattern of fabric. No problem, thought I, and went back to the store. Only to find that it was no longer in stock.

Now, perspective is an important part of early parenting. MY perspective recently has been somewhat Cubist - as in, it's a big mess. (Hmm, my art joke ran a little flat. HA, Cubist, flat, get it!) The long and short of it (hee hee, the hits just keep on comin') is that I spent the next few hours sobbing and generally wallowing in emotional squalor, because my nice emotionally/psychologically healthy activity had turned to complete ruin. And I'd wasted two days worth of extremely precious free time. I just couldn't take it. I was a wreck.

Steeling my resolve, I centered myself today and checked out two more stores. No such luck. But I refused to become the basket case I was yesterday. So I went online. And miracle of miracles, I actually FOUND the thing on eBay! I am ecstatic. I am redeemed. I am going to go buy a lot more of the other fabric I was using that is still in stock. I shall never start a project again before having ALL the fabric I might possibly need on hand. And I shall never again doubt the power of eBay.

The Great Uneducated

2005-07-04T12:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, so the Discovery Channel did this thing where they let people vote to choose the 100 Greatest Americans. In doing so they proved why true democracy is a bad idea. Just take a look at some of the people the masses chose as the elite of our society to see what I mean. For a small sampling of the idiotic choices ...

Ellen Degeneres
Oprah Winfry
Brett Favre
Tom Cruise
Bill and Hillary Clinton
Clint Eastwood
John Edwards
Michael Jackson (?!?!?!)
Mel Gibson
Billy Graham
George Lucas
Carl Sagan
Dr. Phil
Madonna

Oh my stars and garters, what were they thinking? At least people like Alexander Hamilton, Steve Jobs and Albert Einstein made the list. But what about Steinbeck, Hemingway, O'Keefe, Warhol, Audobon, Lewis and Clark, Charles Goodnight, Davy Crockett, and a thousand other people I could list? In fact, most of the people on there are far too contemporary to be listed as "Great Americans," even if I approve of them, because history has yet to pass judgement on them. For instance, as much as I like them, Ronald Reagan and the Bush boys fall into this category.

I suppose I shouldn't expect so much of the American public. But this is just sad ...

1-800-Whatthecrap

2005-06-19T05:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, so my hormones are still sorting themselves out. It's been a really insane week, but things are starting to find their pace. My stitches aren't feeling quite as godawful as they did, and my nipples aren't bleeding anymore, so there's two nice things. And Cameron's SO FAR only waking up a couple of times a night to be changed and eat. Thank God for that. And knock on wood.

I do have to share one really bizarre dream. It was completely incoherent. I was in my living room putting together a Christmas tree; the lights were strung up like cobwebs to all parts of the room, and coalesced in the middle to connect to my cell phone. Meanwhile, I was singing happy birthday to my big brother, who was on the couch.

Then the dream switched to Animaniacs for a minute.

Then I was driving with my midwife and her husband somewhere, swerving all over the road in the dark. We spun out and almost went off a bridge into a creek. He turned the car around and went down this gravel drive and AGAIN almost fell off the edge.

Then I infiltrated this semi trailer, in which were five stuffed animals. I was a cat. They were frightened when they saw me, as well they should be. I tore one apart, stuffed it out the window, and disguised myself as a stuffed animal with red glowing eyes.

Then I was in a school cafeteria. I got bumped by this Asian fellow, and the cafeteria waitress wouldn't leave me alone because I hadn't apologized and that somehow made me a racist. I was just upset that I couldn't get some food. I had a 3-dollar bill.

So that's what hormones do when you're asleep, apparently ...

And it's Baby by a Nose!

2005-06-16T07:39:00.000-07:00

(I don't know what happened to the first part of this post ... let me sum up. Had the baby on June 11th. Contractions started about 2:00 am on Friday, June 10th. Curtiss and I went to the hospital about 10:00 am.)

Kim, my parents and Curtiss’ parents came up to the hospital shortly thereafter. And we began to walk. And we walked. And we walked. And I began to feel like I was in an early chapter of Lord of the Rings. The midwife, Susan Akins, started talking about other options. Despite a lot of contractions, I wasn’t really getting anywhere. We decided to break my water, but I opted for an epidural first, since theoretically the contractions would grow much stronger.

Speaking of contractions … I’ve heard them described as the worst menstrual pains of your life. Who are these women having these kinds of cramps? I certainly never cramped like that. You can hardly walk through them; forget about talking. I got to where I would waddle forward, feel one coming on, and start counting. I arbitrarily picked 33 as a number to count to, then start over – just to have something else to focus on. And it’s not just around your belly – oh no, these start at your hips and go up to your boobs. Terribly uncomfortable, really.

So you can see why the epidural. It was about 7:00 pm by now, and I was only dilated to about a 7, which is good but not good enough. Epidurals, by the way, are really awful at the outset. The Novacaine shot is bad enough, but then you get all these other strange sensations, like ice flowing down your spine and your legs tingling and a bunch of other weird stuff. Putting in the epidural was probably the most painful part of the whole thing. But then – oh then – you’re watching the monitor, and to your surprise, this big wave of contractions hit, and you don’t feel a thing! It’s a magical way to get your personality back during labor. You also have to stay in bed after an epidural, so the walking ended.

I should note that just after the epidural – which was delivered with frightening efficiency by an unsmiling little Indian man – I lost it for a minute and started crying. It had nothing to do with the epidural process. I suddenly had a flash of everything that could go wrong. The baby could die. I could die. We might both die. And I wasn’t quite ready to check out yet. I was terrified. I asked Curtiss to get my mom and Kim;%2

TMI ...

2005-06-03T05:46:00.000-07:00

... or, Sharing Overly Personal Information is Yet Another Sign of Pregnancy. I mean, c'mon, at what other time in your life will you discuss the state of your cervix with just about anyone? Speaking of which, I'm 80% effaced and 2 centimeters dilated. If you don't know what that means, you probably don't want an explanation.

And there are other areas that deserve to be aired, also. For instance, hemorroids really suck - and apparently about 50% of women get them, so doctors and midwives across the country just shake their heads and say "Aww, you poor thing. Try some witch hazel. Call us if bleeding becomes excessive." Well, everything's relative - in my mind, ANY anal bleeding is excessive! And the books on pregnancy are even worse. For instance, consider the horror of this sentence: "Anal fissures are also common." WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT?!?! Man, if this kind of thing were happening to men all over the country, it would be declared an epidemic and get more support than cancer research to solve. How 'bout it, science?

In other news, I am watching way too much sci-fi. I dreamed last night the Cardassians invaded Albertson's.

The Last Furlong

2005-06-01T09:20:00.000-07:00

Well, we're verrrrrrra close to having a baby! Only two weeks left. In theory. In actuality, this little kiddo could make an appearance anytime within the next month. Yesterday I made this huge list of things I wanted to get done before he was born - it was quite extensive. I swept and mopped, I fixed Curtiss' jeans, changed the sheets and did a bunch of other stuff that may or may not be necessary. Today I'm working on the bumper pad I've been trying to make for him. I've finished the quilt and the diaper stacker; just the bumper and the dust ruffle remain. The bumper's actually really easy; I should have it finished within the next couple of days. For those of you who haven't seen it, I'm very pleased with myself. The fabrics are the same dragonfly print with gold sparkles, one in blue and one in green. The design is really simple, but it seems to be working very well.

In other news, Episode 3 greatly pleased me. It's no "Empire," as some critics have leveled, but good enough, and after episodes 1 and 2, good enough was all I really wanted. And of course, Ewan McGregor was really, really hot as young Kenobi. Who knew that old fossil was such a babe? Hmm, wonder what it says about my personality that I find the idea of a Jedi irresistably sexy ...

My husband and I have been discussing what we'd do to improve the series overall. There are little things, of course, like just editing out when the droid says "She has lost the will to live," because that's just a stupid thing for a robot to say. But these are the two things I'd like to see changed. In "Jedi," change Endor to the Wookie homeworld (however you spell it.) Then you have Wookies kicking ass instead of cute little Ewoks. But here's the biggest change I'd like to see: Have more people speaking foreign languages instead of English in the prequel series! Best of all, you can change all of Jar Jar's lines to gobbledy-gook, and just have his lines inferred by what people say back to him. I think he's be much more bearable that way.

Editing the pod racing sequence would also help matters greatly.

So maybe one of these days we'll take a hatchet to one of my favorite movie series of all time and make it the way I wanted it to be. Until then, I'll just have to explain to Cameron the way it ought to have been ...

Oh - I'm planning on showing him the Star Wars movies in this order: "New Hope," "Empire," "Phantom Menace," "Clones," "Sith" and "Jedi." That's 4, 5, 1, 2, 3 and 6 for anyone who has trouble with my abbreviations. I'll discuss why later ...

Coming Down the Backstretch

2005-05-09T07:47:00.000-07:00

Whooo! I am now officially thirty-five weeks pregnant! I have eight months behind me and one more month to go! In three weeks, Cameron will be full term - in other words, if he were born three weeks from today, he wouldn't be considered a day premature. See, a due date is purely fictional - it's expected that the baby will be born within two weeks on either side of the due date. You might even call the due date "the day in the direct middle of your due month."

So what changes the last month? Let's catalogue ... I love lists!

1. Maternity clothes have ceased to fit. No one told me this would happen! I don't want to buy all-new clothes for one month! Pajama pants it is ...

2. It becomes very difficult to maneuver. Dropping things on the floor is traumatic. Getting up from a lying down position is extremely difficult. I'm like a turtle ...

3. The cats go nuts. Oh wait, that's probably unrelated.

4. Strangers feel reasonably assured that you're really pregnant, and so are more likely to comment on your condition. Mostly, it's "when's the baby due." Thank goodness, very few people have felt inclined to touch my stomach. I need my space, man! Wide load!

5. Oh, the swelling! My feet, hands and face are the worst, though I suspect my legs are swollen, too. Oh heck, I'm just swollen all over. It's a total-body experience.

I have a weird fear to share. I'm afraid I won't recognize labor for what it is. Cameron's movements this month have become painful. He's very strong, and sometimes it feels like he's going to bust right out of my stomach. There've been times that he suddenly pushed outwards and made me stop what I was doing and cry out. My Braxton-Hicks contractions have also been very strong. So what if I mistake labor pains for normal BH contractions or Cameron's athletics? They say real labor is regular; well, how likely am I to really notice that? It's probably a ridiculous fear - I'm sure I'll know when it really comes on.

Pink Floyd Gives Birth

2005-05-05T13:12:00.000-07:00

You know, it occured to me today - the song "Comfortably Numb" might be comically reinvented as a woman giving birth under a LOT of drugs. See for yourself:

(Anaesthesiologist speaking:)
Hello?
Is there anybody in there? (He thinks he's funny, talking to the stomach.)
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now. (back to the now irritated mom.)
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I need some information first.("I thought I filled out all the necessary forms at the registration desk! I couldn't tell you my name right now!")
Just the basic facts,
Can you show me where it hurts? ("Where DOESN'T it hurt?!'>

There is no pain, you are receding. (as the first wave of drugs comes in)
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons. (oh, swelling is normal.)
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am. (I'm not normally a psycho hose beast!)
I have become comfortably numb.

Ok.
Just a little pinprick. (in your spine.)
There'll be no more ...Aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick. (Nausea, like every other condition the body could possibly experience, is a normal symptom of pregnancy and labor.)
Can you stand up? (What, I don't deliver here in the comfy room?)
I do believe it's working. Good.
That'll keep you going for the show. (Show?! How many of you are coming into the delivery room with me, anyway?!)
Come on it's time to go.

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone. ("Oh, a little delirium is perfectly normal with this level of narcotics," says the doctor.)
I have become comfortably numb. (If I'm lucky ...)

There you have it! Pink Floyd is a bunch of feminists trying to understand the birthing experience through song! What a lovely bunch of boys!

Aw, no, not you again!

2005-05-05T10:18:00.000-07:00

Well, the dog I liked, Dolly, is back at the shelter. *sigh* The people who adopted her evidently needed her to be crate trained. Not surprisingly, shelter dogs don't take well to being left in small, enclosed cages alone for hours at a time. It reminds them of being back at the shelter, which, even under the best of circumstances, is scary and lonely. And Dolly is an especially clingy, emotional little dog.

And to make matters worse, they've had a distemper outbreak at the shelter, which means they're having to put a lot of dogs down. Which leads to me winning the Ultimate Sucker Award for 2005. I think I'm going to take Dolly to the vet and get her a distemper shot. I talked to the vet who does the medical care for the shelter, and she said she'd do it for $10; I think she felt sorry for me. (Though not enough to give me a break on my cats' shots - $80!)

Hopefully she'll get adopted by another family and her story will end well ...

Ahh, the pregnant woman is complaining again ...

2005-04-28T08:43:00.000-07:00

Ugh ... I'm 33 1/2 weeks pregnant now, and I'm about ready for this kid to be born. Pregnancy was fun for awhile, but now it's getting really uncomfortable. I feel like a Buick. My hands are so swollen that making a fist or, God forbid, squeezing anything is a painful affair. I avoid picking up the milk. And getting stuff up off the floor (including myself) is just a laughing matter. The fatigue is bad, too, because I want to do a lot of stuff but I just don't have the energy for it. I guess that's what comes of lugging around an extra 30 pounds. It sucks to do something simple like load the dishwasher and then have to lay down for half an hour, trying to catch your breath while your heart bounds like a jackrabbit! Geeze, that was a Southern thing to say ...

Of course, it probably won't be a whole lot easier when Cameron is born. But at least then I'll have a cute little baby to distract me. :-)

Since due dates are purely fictional concepts, I should have this baby anywhere from 4 1/2 to 8 1/2 weeks from now. That's 32 to 60 days from now. Hopefully we'll be more on the former side of that scale ...

Not Worth its Salt

2005-04-11T17:38:00.000-07:00

Well, it finally came to a head. The saltwater tank had been having all kinds of problems with algae, disease and with stuff just straight up not thriving. I'd been throwing more and more money and time at the problem, not only actually doing stuff with the tank but hours spent on the internet trying to figure out what the hell to do to keep the tank nice without breaking the bank.

Saturday night the clownfish was looking particularly ill. I moped around that night, and then Curtiss, dear man that he is, got to deal with me crying for a while out of grief and frustration over the tank.

Monday morning the clownfish died. And that was the breaking point for me with the saltwater tank. I metaphysically threw my hands up and said "I'm done." I was spending way too much time, money and emotional energy on a hobby that just wasn't giving any kind of satisfactory return. So I broke the tank down and took the thirteen pounds of live rock, the sixline wrasse and the various snails and hermit crabs to Pet Village, where they gave me a store credit that was piddling but at least it was over and done with, I could save my emotional energies for more important things.

*sigh* So no more saltwater. At least not until I have the resources to do it right, with a big tank and top quality equipment and a monthly budget sufficient for when things go wrong. But I'm glad I did it for as long as I did, for these reasons:

1) It instilled an actual passion for biological processes. I learned so much about marine environments, fish physiology, water chemistry and all kinds of things. It was really fascinating and I hope I remember all the incredibly cool stuff I learned and all the fantastic animals I've seen.

2) It proved to me exactly how hard saltwater is, so that I don't spend time wondering about it and maybe regretting not giving it a shot.

3) The most valuable thing I took from the experience is that, with complicated things like delicate animals and ecosystems, there is rarely a right way to do things, and a lot of times you just have to learn by experience. There are some things that you just can't get a straight answer on how to do something. If someone else does it differently, it's not necessarily wrong - it just works differently for them. I think this will come in particularly handy when issues come up in child-rearing. I think I will better handle situations where the right method isn't entirely clear. I'll find them less frustrating (though that's sure to be a relative term) because I've experience this OTHER very difficult thing with few clear answers. At least I'll understand that there may BE no right choice. It's a complicated viewpoint to explain; I hope I've communicated it.

Anyway, I think I'll let the tank lie empty for awhile. I'd like to make it into a little freshwater tank, but for now I'm going to give it a rest and devote some time and energy to other pursuits. I think it's for the best, really. After all, here shortly I'll have a lot more demands on me than before!

In other news, Curtiss came and saw the shelter where I volunteer. Despite his accusations to the contrary, I didn't trick him into falling in love with a dog! Dolly is a little sweetheart. She's my favorite at the shelter. If things were a little different now, we'd definitely have taken her home. :-) She sure is a cutie ...

Blerg

2005-04-01T15:45:00.000-08:00

We're about 30 weeks pregnant now ... so I'm three-quarters of the way done with being pregnant. I'm about ready to have my body back. I'm just so awkward and it feels like I can't physically DO anything ... even bending over is difficult. And doing some kind of heavy, physical thing, like digging in the yard, climbing a ladder or moving furniture, is straight out of the question. "You mean I just have to sit here and relax?! Bo-ring!" If I were of a less industrious nature, this might be more fun.

At least I now have plenty of time to do crocheting and quilting stuff. I've made a little bit of progress on the mythical-creatures-quilt. I have high hopes that it will be done in time for the second baby. :-)

Anyway, last night I was sick. I threw up Starbursts. That was ... memorable. That, combined with these cramps I was having, freaked me out, since cramping and nausea are signs of premature labor. So I called my midwife at 2:00 in the morning. That poor, noble woman talked to me for a minute and decided that I was sick, but not in labor, so for God's sake crazy woman drink some Gatorade and go back to bed. Which I did. Made me appreciate how choppy and unpredictable her life must be, and makes me appreciate her even more.

This morning I'm still not 100%, but I'm not throwing up, so that's a start ...

Sugar Low

2005-03-21T13:38:00.000-08:00

Well, just got back from my THREE HOUR TEST for gestational diabetes. Man, let me tell you, I wish I could do that every week. SO much fun. Though it did mean getting to have lunch with my dad and my brother, which was nice.

In other news, I went to the symphony the other day. It was a Mozart piano concerto and Bruckner's Ninth Symphony. The andante movement of the concerto just about put me to sleep, it was so nice and melodious and peaceful. Fortunately the Bruckner symphony was much more dramatic.

I've been thinking about writing something lately. We'll see. I'll probably start with a few short stories and see how that goes. IF I get around to writing. That'd be nice, of course, but time just seems to fly away from me these days.

We're 28 weeks pregnant now ... starting to round the corner into the home stretch!

Depression Under a Magnifying Lens of Hormones

2005-03-01T16:06:00.001-08:00

I don't quite know what is the appropriate way to deal with this instance ... Right before Maxwell Books closed, we decided to form a book club. It was my idea in the beginning, but everyone else seemed on board with it, if not exactly as excited as I was. Not that that's an unusual place for me to find myself in, so I didn't think much of it. I made little flyers and mailed them out Monday of last week (Feb. 21) to remind everybody that the first meeting was last night - Monday, Feb. 28th at 7:00 pm. The only person I heard from was Heather to say she was sorry, she couldn't come, she had to work.

There were seven other folk who worked at the store, and five others who were still friends with everyone there, so a dozen people MIGHT have come. No one had said they didn't want to try this out; we all wanted to keep in touch with each other, I thought. I spent most of yesterday cleaning and getting ready and worrying and being excited. I made a bunch of food and sent Curtiss out for soda and made a big pot of coffee.

Unfortunately, only three people came.

Now, I enjoyed talking with Deana, Cathy and Donna. We decided on a book to read, a next date to meet and that Cathy would host the next meeting. But I was still really upset once they left that no one else had come, or had said they wouldn't come. It's not like these people are my close personal friends, either (if they were, I could call them up and say "HEY, a phone call might've been nice, asshole!") So I don't know whether it's appropriate for me to be as upset about it as I am, and there's nothing I can do about it one way or another.

Maybe the worst part of it was the feeling of humiliation in front of the three that DID come - it had been my idea, I had obviously gone to a lot of trouble to prepare for hosting a group three to four times as big as I had, and it was pretty much a flop. I'd rather go through physical pain than humiliation; I can't stand it.

To make matters worse, this morning I kinda picked a fight with Brandy over some stupid old bullshit. Not even real stuff - just role-playing business that ought to have been forgotten long ago. Maybe it was a way of trying to deal with the disappointment of last night - maybe I felt like if I could get some kind of closure and vindication from this old, Not Real conflict, then it would make the Real Life book club problem not feel so bad. It didn't turn out that way, of course.

So I don't know if I should try to forget about the whole thing, if I should accept feeling disappointed and humiliated, if I should be angry, or if I shouldn't feel anything at all. It's tempting to take a passive-aggressive stance and not go to the next meeting (TELLING Cathy, of course, that I'm not coming) hoping everyone would be like "Oh, where were you? We missed you!" The problem with that is it's unlikely anyone would miss my presence enough to care. So no good.

I find myself in that position a lot - feeling like I wouldn't be terribly missed, and the efforts I go to keeping myself involved in people's lives are wasted because they're not important to anyone but myself. It's like being friends with a bunch of cats - they like you okay while you're there, but if you left, it's unlikely they'd do much more than eventually look around and say "Huh? Where'd that girl go? Oh well." Only a few people from Arkansas bother to keep up with me, and I doubt anyone but Brandy would really miss my acquaintance from there. Pretty sad, considering how many friends I thought I had there. As for my friends here ... they're really more Curtiss's friends. They like me okay, but I don't think they'd pursue a friendship with me without him.

So maybe THAT'S what's really bothering me - a sense of rejection, of loneliness. Everyone needs to feel like they're wanted and needed on the basis of their own merit; they need to feel validated. Right now I pretty much get that from my husband, Brandy, my parents and my brother and his wife. At least I've gotten it out of my system for now ... And that's probably enough self-pitying for one entry.

fishyfishyfishyfishyfishy

2005-02-25T11:31:00.000-08:00

One of the most curious obsessions of my life (and there have been many) is my fixation on saltwater fish. Oh, I delayed it by quite a while by filling a 55 gallon aquarium with angelfish, sailfin mollies, gouramis, bettas, a monster pleco, a ropefish and a black ghost knifefish - all exotic species in their own right (not all at once, either). But it just didn't do. I could spend hours reading the same websites over and over about the care and behavior of marine critters. I've drawn up innumerable stocking lists and pricing spreadsheets trying to figure out how to get everything I wanted in one tank for a miniscule amount of money. (Not that I could set ANYTHING up, really. The maintenance on big tanks is amazing.)

I finally put together a little ten-gallon tank. $300-something dollars later, I have a nicely mature tank with one little $15 clownfish in it. Don't think for a minute I'm displeased about that ratio - the fish is just icing. The invertebrates and cool stuff that's come out of the live rock is really what's been interesting. There are hermit crabs, snails, bristleworms, brittle stars, a strawberry anemone, asterina starfish, abalones, fanworms, shrimp and a lot of other unidentified cool worms and other miniscule critters. I'd like to set up a small refugium one day - a separate small tank that holds just macroalgae and live rock and detrius cleaners like brittle stars. Another form of biological filtration that, by all accounts, is a lot of fun. (Read any number of posts on equipment on nano-reef.com to see what saltwater hobbyists consider fun.) For a little while I was feeling frustrated and let down by the little tank, but now that I've fixed some of its issues I'm getting more of a kick out of it.

I'll eventually convert the freshwater tank to saltwater (as in, five to ten years from now when I can afford to plunk down around $1000 for a metric shitload of live rock and live sand, better lighting, a protein skimmer and a refugium. And that's BEFORE adding livestock.) In such a big tank, I'll be able to have the more exotic stuff I lust after - big mollusks like conchs and cowries, big brittle stars and starfish, a TON of feather dusters, and a number of very colorful fish. In the meantime, I've fallen back in love with my nano-tank with its infinite tiny inhabitants and Aubrey the clownfish. Next month I'll be adding a sixline wrasse, then the fish stocking will be done. Maybe I'll try for a big feather duster or two after that. We'll see.

Various Stuff

2005-02-25T11:00:00.000-08:00

Ugh ... Being pregnant can be very contradictory. On one hand I feel huge, my back and hips and legs are aching, and my husband has given me strict orders to take it easy. On the other hand, I have this insane, nearly irrepressible desire to go to Lowe's and get a couple of cans of paint today and paint the dining room, to be followed by de-wallpapering the kitchen and then painting THAT.

I'm six months pregnant now, so only one more trimester to go! For those of you keeping close count, I'm 25 weeks. There's some speculation as to exactly when the third trimester starts, but I'm calling it now. Especially since this whole concept of a due date is fictional. It'd be NICE to schedule such things, but you might as well just circle the whole month of June.

This nesting business is kinda fun, but I wish I could put them aside until sometime after the baby's born, when I can actually DO stuff like replace the faucets in the bathrooms or dig a hole for a pond in the backyard. I am fortunately blessed with a patient and indulgent husband. Bless him, he comes home from work and there I am with a bunch of tools saying "Good! You're here! We can get started." He also has the unenviable task of saying "Darling, I know you're revved about it, but we really don't need to be putting in hardwood floors right this second, or even this year. Here - have a cabinet knob. That's a more likely project for you." It's fortunate I'm so easily distractable.

Speaking of distractable - what was it I was going to say? Placenta Brain has now reached its third stage. I am now a complete airhead. I'll think of something, grab a piece of paper to write it down before I forget, and then I can't remember what it was I was going to write down. I wander from one room to the next with no idea what I was going to do there. I don't know how people work when they're this pregnant - how do they get anything done? (And anyone who says this is a normal thing for me gets a pie in the face! Or worse - a herring!)

All projects and wild plans and diagrams aside, it really is a fun time. Not much responsibility yet, a little frustrating, but a tremendous sense of anticipation and potential. I can't wait!

Delusions of Competency

2005-02-07T16:12:00.000-08:00

(Warning: Pregnant woman venting frustration ahead.)

Arrgh! Keeping animals can be frustrating. Last night we lost one of our new mollies - I just hope it's the only one that goes. I'm going to do a water change today; we lost the big Gold Inca snail on Saturday. So the freshwater tank is being very frustrating at the moment ...

But even more frustrating has been the saltwater tank. While it was initially very nifty to watch the tiny critters emerge from the live rock, I can't seem to make much progress with the tank as a whole. Bristleworms are everywhere. Just about all the feather dusters have died. Four out of seven hermit crabs have died, and one of the three big snails died. The one fish that was added died within a month, and the big feather duster died soon, also. So at the moment the only things ALIVE in the tank are three hermit crabs, two snails, a bunch of limpets and other hitchiker snails, a little bitty anemone that chose to make itself known, a tiny starfish (that MAY be alive, haven't seen it lately) and a ton of bristeworms. I can't figure out what's going on. All the chemical tests I've run on the water show that it's fine, I have a top-notch filter and heater ... there's plenty of live rock and good sand; the light is made for aquariums. What in the world is going on?

It's almost enough to make me quit with this tank. I scraped it really well today, cleaned the filter, rearranged the decor and took out some of the clutter at the bottom. I added a neat coral skeleton in the hope that it would add a nice visual dimension. If I can ever find one, I'm going to get a little neon goby. If he lives, I'll add a clownfish. If I can just get a clownfish to survive, I'll be happy with the tank and call it a success. Though I really wish I could keep a slightly bigger starfish or sea urchin. I don't dare, with this kind of mortality rate, though.

Perhaps a few big feather dusters would survive. Maybe I'll add one and see if it lives. But if I keep losing stuff, I may just scrap it ... hate to do that. IT's so much of an investment ...

Gardening

2005-01-29T11:35:00.000-08:00

Okay, I've been obsessing over my yard for the last couple of days. As of today, I'm no longer working, soooooo looks like I'm going to have some time to actually DO something with the garden this year.

Below is a posted picture of my design layout for my yard. From top to bottom (north to south) and left to right (west to east), here's what everything is ...

The big black square is my house, obviously. The first small plant is a mini magnolia, around which I am going to put some little annuals. The main front bed already has a big crape myrtle, but that's about all that will stay. I'm going to plant azaleas around the crape myrtle, and trumpet vines on the corners of the house. Next to the house will be malonia; the middle layer will be barberry; and there will be a small border of little annuals. There will be a dwarf weeping crape myrtle on the corner.

The huge green circle is my live oak tree, which pretty well shades all the side yard beyond use. I'm hoping to put some interesting green plants like ferns or hostas long the side; right now it's all weeds and monkey grass, of which I am sick.

Just inside the fence on the south side of the oak tree is a small deck with a table, bench, two chairs, air conditioner and a hedge around the AC (already present.) Along the fence I'm going to plant more blackberry bushes and put down some ground cover and annuals along the border to hold the topsoil, since the rainwater tends to wash under that section of the fence. There's a corkscrew willow near the corner. Moving past the blackberry bushes is another trumpet vine and some annuals.

In the large bed along the western fence will be a little small pond. I'm going to put a white dogwood next to the pond, and surround it with azaleas. In the pond are water lilies and either japanese irises or water hyacinth. Along the fence is a big clump of ornamental grasses, with hostas or ferns between the tall grass and the pond. In the corner behind the pond is a big elephant ear plant. On the other edge of the pond, next to the yard, are more ferns or hostas and a bed of lamb's ear.

South of all that starts the terracing, which will probably wait until next year since we'll have to move the fence back to the alley. Right now the fence is flush with the house. There are four levels of terracing, each about a foot high, with railroad ties or stone (whichever proves the best choice.) The two corner beds are the highest tier. In the first two tiers are vegetable gardens; on the third is a little sitting area, with a bench, two tables, some flagstones and a lot of ground cover. On the southernmost fence is a patch of honeysuckle. A set of waterfalls leads from the third tier to the second, under a small bridge, to the first tier, to the main pond. Don't ask how this will be accomplished yet.

The westernmost fourth tier is an herb garden that will pretty much grow wild, with a flagstone path so I can get to the herbs. The big pink tree is a crape myrtle. The westernmost fourth tier is more vegetables.

We will have to leave a few feet of space on the other side of the fence for the big utility box and for trash, so I'm going to tear up the grass back there and put in a low-maintenance bed like irises.

Hopefully I didn't lose too many people with that description! Let me know what you think of my big (expensive) plan!

2005-01-29T09:16:00.000-08:00

This is the layout for my garden plan! See the above post for explanations on what everything is.

Bad Dream

2005-01-28T05:55:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'm up at an absurd hour of the morning ... just couldn't sleep. I've been tossing and turning since about 2:00. This sucks!!! And I can't breathe through my nose! *tries to sniff, gets nothing.* And it's hard to be really quiet when you're bored - I'm trying not to wake my sick, sleeping husband.

Had a dream last night that someone was in our backyard, and had apparently been going back there a lot. I was scared because they might come in the house, so I got down on all fours just out of sight and barked as loud as I could, hoping to fool them into thinking we had a big dog. It was actually a lot more tense and scary in the dream than it sounds here ... funny when you describe scary dreams later, they sound ridiculous. Anyway, I woke up kinda freaked out because I thought I heard someone at the door. So now I really want a big floppy dog.

Unfortunately, the timing isn't really right. What with the baby in June, I'm hesitant to jump into yet another time and money commitment. I think maybe when the baby's a few months old we'll start looking at dogs ... now just isn't the time. *tries to sniff again, having forgotten that she has no nose.* We also don't know how much a dog really costs. I'll have to look into it ...

Halfway There

2005-01-25T11:53:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm twenty weeks pregnant now - so we're halfway there! I really think it's a boy. I guess we'll see - I've got a 50% chance of being right.

Curtiss and I have registered at Target and Babies R Us; it's very exciting! Most of our stuff is at Babies R Us. Target is mostly for some decorative things, since they had a lot of Classic Pooh stuff. We got a baby book from there; I'm very happy about that! I had originally registered for a Classic Pooh bedding set, but I started feeling like I would be really sick of that bear by the time the kiddo was old enough for a new bedding situation. These are the links to our registries ...

Babies R Us Baby Registry

Target Baby Registry

Naturally, everything we've registered for so far is suitable for a boy or a girl. So there's a lot of white, yellow, green and brown. But on February 10th, at 9:30, we get to have our sonogram! I hope the baby cooperates. Then there will appear a lot of blue or pink on the registries. :-)

Curse us for having good taste! The crib I fell in love with is pretty expensive. But I absolutely love dark, reddish wood, so it had to be cherry instead of white or pine (and I did TRY to like the white ones, since they're easier to match.) And the others just looked like some kind of animal cage; the bars were a little much. This one just looks like a BED. My only concern is that the side doesn't slide down, so it might be a little difficult to get a bigger baby in and out of the crib eventually, but I've heard an equal number of complaints about railings that move being a pain in the butt, so maybe it's just as well.

Look at me being coordinated! The high chair, playard and stroller all MATCH! *beams* Ah, the things that please you when you're pregnant ...

A Just World

2005-01-25T11:37:00.000-08:00

Stepping outside my personal beliefs and into the dicey land of academic observation ...

I've been musing on something lately that I'd like to try to put into words. It seems that most religions, most notably Christianity with its concept of heaven and hell, hinge upon the notion of cosmic justice. The code of morals delineated in religious code only has weight with the threat of punishment and promise of reward; without consequences - good or bad - in the afterlife, it would be impossible for religious authorities to impress upon the masses the need for good behavior.

So it is in the real world. Without a system of justice, there would be no reason for man to behave in a moral fashion; it would be violent anarchy. As my father has said many times, nodding sagely over dinner, "People respond to incentives."

I think on some level, whether they actively think about it this way or not, people understand that both our faith and our society hinges upon justice. An unjust society does not flourish; either the incentives for good behavior are not enough (Communism) or the punishments for wrong behavior are not strong enough (hippies.) One is not productive, the other is not safe. In a capitalist economy, the rewards are certainly there for hard work and moral behavior; however, it is less sure whether the punishments for WRONG behavior are appropriate, thus the need for constant vigilance of the courts.

This instinctive need for justice, this compulsion to seek it out, is why there is such a large disparity between different groups of Christians - hellfire and brimstone or peace and love for all? If you live in a community where you see sin and wrongdoing while striving for salvation yourself, you're likely to seek retribution against those who have wronged you; thus, the punishment of the wicked speaks more strongly to you. If you don't feel particularly righteous yourself, or are prone to lax behavior, you might hope for a cosmic justice system more bent on rewarding good behavior than punishing sin.

I'm sure there's a lot more to say on this, but that pretty much sums up my ideas at the moment ...

Randomization

2005-01-11T23:25:00.000-08:00

A few notes about my day ... it was nice, despite the complete chaos that is the bookstore right now. I swear, every librarian and teacher in DeSoto has come in. I've NEVER seen the store so busy. I'm exhausted!!! But the baby seems to be just as energetic as ever. Oi!

I got a heating pad today, which will be nice for my poor back. I was up today doing laundry at 6 in the morning; that must be a hormone thing or something. I just suddenly HAD to have all the laundry done. Oh, and I got a great pair of flannel pajama pants today! Soooooo comfy ...

This evening we watched a lot of Star Trek with my brother and played Morrow. We're such geeks; it's wonderful having a geeky family. Especially since, between Curtiss and Kim, I get to be the most active and involved player in Chris's game.

Well, that's my day. *sigh* Day after tomorrow is our midwife appointment; maybe she can give me something to actually get RID of this cough/congestion thing ...

The End of the Stories

2005-01-10T06:21:00.000-08:00

Well, I do have some sad news. Maxwell Books will be closing at the end of January. The sales just haven't been high enough for Donna to justify keeping the store open. It makes me very sad to think I'm losing not only my job but my favorite place to shop. The job thing is really quite okay; in a way, it's a relief on that front, because I won't have to worry about when I'm going to stop working. It's the loss of the store in the community that upsets me more than anything.

I know Dad had thought of buying the store, but I don't think these are the right circumstances for that to happen. If she were planning on closing in six months instead of three weeks, maybe it would come about. Or if she were closing because she was just tired of doing it, it would be the right time. But I don't think the store is even breaking even anymore. Even if we did buy the store, the location isn't right, and we'd just have to move. In which case we might as well just start a whole other store. DeSoto's not the right place for a new bookstore, not with Barnes and Noble in Cedar Hill. But it does make me yearn for a store in Mansfield.

I'll probably write more about this later as it sinks in that it's a reality. For now, it's a sad ending, but Donna doesn't seem too torn up about it. I think she and George will enjoy their retirement, and I hope I can keep in contact with a few people from the store. After all, I have to have someone besides my close friends and family to show the baby off to! (You see, everything comes back to baby. Placenta Brain.)

Almost Halfway There

2005-01-10T06:09:00.000-08:00

Well, I haven't updated this in awhile! Shame on me! As of today I am fully 18 weeks pregnant. I started feeling the baby kick not too long ago, and now he runs track, it seems. Especially if I have a cup of coffee. Whooo boy! Talk about all revved up and nowhere to go!

I think I'll not be able to wear Curtiss' pants for very much longer. My own pants have long been at the top of the closet. So I gotta buy maternity clothes. At least my back is feeling better, since I started wearing a maternity back support belt. That thing is a back-saver! Haven't had any weird cravings or anything, and have only fainted once, and that after being awake all night with a very sick husband and then not getting a chance to eat before going in to work. I HAVE been very emotional, though. One of my overall straps fell into the toilet bowl (just water, thank God) and I almost started crying before I managed to remind myself that I did, in fact, have a dryer in the utility room.

We've settled on names, I think. Cameron Patrick for a boy and Ivy Rhiannon for a girl. Whether we'll call her Ivy or Rhiannon is still up in the air, but we'll decide that later. At least the boy name is decided!

We also registered at Babies R Us. That was quite an experience. Here's a link to it ... Julie's Baby Registry. I'll post shower info on here as soon as things are arranged!

Ugh, our house still has a long way to go before we're ready for the kiddo. But we're working on it! We've moved around a hell of a lot already. Go Team Cox! Gotta get my friend Jeremy to come out and look at the air conditioner to figure out how to keep the baby's room appropriately cool and warm (it's cold in the winter and hot in the summer, currently.) Maybe some more insulation up in the attic above that room will do the trick.

Thank you to everyone who's been so supportive! Hope your new year is going well!

Art Junky

2004-12-05T07:43:00.000-08:00

I found a nifty page on which to display my art. Which is nice, considering how much time it spends in my closet. Check it out here.

Heading Into the Fourteenth Week

2004-12-04T17:23:00.000-08:00

Huzzah! We're parading triumpanthly from the first trimester of pregnancy into the Promised Land that is the second trimester. My books all say that during the second trimester, nausea vanishes, your energy returns, your skin clears up, your hair and fingernails are healthier, you get that pregnancy glow, you start to "show," the sun shines down upon your glorious face and the world collectively turns to you and says affectionately, "Awwwww."

At this point, the crown-to-rump length of the Kid is about 4" and he/she weighs almost an ounce. We are also told that he/she is about the size of a peach. It's weird, how these pregnancy books always compare the baby to food. We've so far progressed from an olive to a plum to a lime. Anytime now, I'll be moving into melon territory.

Still working on names ... This is what we're still considering.

BOY
Cameron Patrick Cox
(This one's pretty set in stone, at the moment.)

GIRL
Rhiannon Ivy Cox
Ivy Rhiannon Cox
Something Entirely Different Cox (though this one's awfully long.)

Ack! Can't decide!!!!

The Return of the Jadedi

2004-12-04T16:46:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'm actually not particularly jaded, but it's the best pun I could come up with on Jedi. And to tell the truth, it's not even my pun, my friend William suggested it after watching me sit there looking confused in my desk chair for far too long, trying to think of something clever.

Which seems the best way to start some kind of online chronicle of my thoughts - with an inappropriate, stolen pun that's kind of a stretch to begin with. My, this looks promising already ...

*ahem* Anyway, saw "National Treasure" last night. Very enjoyable. Especially when Sean Bean was on the screen. He just oozes cool. If I were that useless archive lady (did she actually contribute anything to the collective knowledge of the Good Guy team?) I'd have totally gone for the bad guy. Nicholas Cage is such a tool.

I did have problems with some of the scientific stuff going on (Nonscientific material in a Bruckheimer film? Naawwwwwwww!) My biggest gripe was with the way the Declaration of Independence was being handled. Rolled up and stuck in a coat pocket?!?! Coated with lemon juice?! (What was with that anyway? I thought lemon juice WAS invisible ink, not the invisible ink revealer.) A two-hundred-year-old document would never have held up to that kind of abuse. And with a nod to Patrick O'Brian for the extent of my 18th century seafaring knowledge, I'm fairly sure a few sparks from a flare wouldn't have sent up that gunpowder in the "Charlotte." After all, they used to have CANNONS firing in the midst of all that gunpowder. I'm pretty sure the powder has to be compressed and not, ah, covered in snow to fire. But hey, to heck with physics - let's blow up the ship!

All that stuff aside, it was an entertaining movie. I'd better get that movie-watching stuff in now, because in about six months, I'm going to need to be staying closer to home. :-) More on that later ...